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Archive for July, 2014

I have returned. From Eureka, that is. Actually, I’ve been back just over a week, but it’s taken me this long to recover from nearly three weeks of sleeping on a cot in my mother’s living room, and two 16 hour trips on buses and trains. I’m still dealing with a wonky equilibrium. But maybe that part’s because of the renewed sinus and ear BS going on.

The whole time I was up there, I had no sinus issues. I could breathe freely, didn’t have a dripping nose, didn’t have that crap sliding down the back of my throat, didn’t have constant itching ears because of fluid build up. I spent the entire visit breathing cool, ocean breezes laced with the scent of roses, redwoods and eucalyptus. I was able to sit outside on the porch in the afternoon and not feel like I was cooking in a microwave. For all the drama that was going on otherwise (the reason I was there), it was nice to just sit and enjoy the day.

Then, about halfway through my trip back, the sinuses reminded me of their hatred of SoCal, and I’ve had some level of a headache ever since. Plus it’s been hovering around 100°F outside, with a “monsoonal” offshore system that is pumping the humidity up to Gawd-Awful (at least for this part of the country). The house AC is working its little condenser off, as evidenced by the latest whopping electric bill (and we have the thermostat set much higher than we’d prefer), but the truck AC decided to die. My hubby has to deal with that heat all day, his only relief when he manages to stumble through the door in the evening. Have I mentioned that I hate Southern California?

The other piece of crap news is that Jasper the Wonder Mutant decided to take his walk across the rainbow bridge while I was gone. Hubby had to deal with that all by himself, and I didn’t get to say a proper good bye. We’re all out of animals now and the house feels weird. Except for a couple years in college when I lived in the dorm, there have been animals underfoot my entire life. Mostly cats and dogs, some fish, lizards and turtles, a few parakeets, and even a dark chocolate colored mouse I named Templeton Kern. Working from home meant having many deep conversations with whatever animal was nearest. Now there is nothing but empty house and the occasional flit out of the corner of my eye of some shadow sneaking out of my subconscious. I’m not liking it.

I’m not liking a lot that’s happened lately. The situation in Eureka is far from over. Nobody died or is terminally ill, but in some sad way that might almost have been better, because then we’d have a resolution and/or a definitive course of action. As it stands, we just have lots of family angst, bewilderment at the amazingly inept authorities involved, and anger at a system that still considers mental illness “all in your head” and leaves those that suffer hanging out to dry. I feel sick about it all, and find myself crying at the slightest, most unexpected things. I have a problem with injustice and stupidity. Combine those two with my inability to really do anything to change any of it, and you get Cheri’s Most Miserable trifecta.

And don’t bother to guilt me into feeling better by pointing out how terrible people are having it in Syria, or Iraq or Gaza or West Africa. Knowing that kind of ugliness exists in our world, when we supposedly have the intelligence and technology to do so much better, doesn’t help. It only makes me all the more depressed. I can’t do anything about those issues, either. I am powerless, and that is the one feeling I just simply can’t stand to have.

Each of us has our own set of bullshit to deal with. Whether it is fighting an Ebola breakout, jihadi militants, iron-fisted tyrants, or the Spirit of Christmas Past, we each are trapped in the world around us. There is very little we can do to change what is happening. We can voice our outrage, or write our congressman, or dance a jig on the graves of our enemies, but none of that does little more than let some steam off. The path is already set. There are no do-overs here. At least, not in this particular time line. Depending on one’s theological leanings, maybe there’s a next time, maybe you can decide what you need to learn or maybe the gods roll the dice for you. But here and now is all you know for this life. The only thing you have control over is you: how you react and how you feel. Right now I’m reacting very badly because I feel like crap.

The last three years have been a constant beating. Yeah, compared to the lives of others maybe it’s not so horrible. But that’s my reality. I shouldn’t have to defend feeling crappy and depressed by that beating because children are being bombed in the Middle East. Those are two separate issues. I have a right to my feelings. That doesn’t mean I’m unsympathetic. It just means I only have enough energy to worry about one thing at a time for a while, and right now I choose me.

 

© 2014   Cheri K. Endsley   All Rights Reserved.

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