I’ve been very emotional for over a week now, while also battling a roiling black cloud of depression that is sucking every erg of life out of me. Yes, being a female heading into the Crone stage of life already makes me emotional, and I am a diagnosed depressive, so you’re probably wondering how this last week has been any different than usual. Well, crying when people win on a game show is a bit more than I usually do. And wishing there was room under the bed for me to curl up next to the hiding cat doesn’t generally happen, either. Though I’ve often thought he had a good idea.
No, the truth of the matter is that I’m in a particularly vicious down cycle. Even well-maintained functional depressives still have cycles, but with the joys of modern pharmaceuticals, such cycles are usually far less than while un-medicated. And while often I have no clue why I’m heading into the abyss, this time I think I know all too well what’s going on…
I’m frakkin’ angry.
Steven Wright once said “Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.” A brilliant observation, from one who probably knows the truth all too well himself. It took me a while to figure it out, but I did finally manage to come to some understanding of my emotional issues. I’m angry about:
➢ Not finding a job
➢ Not losing weight
➢ Not working enough on my novel
➢ Congress and their partisan games-playing on my dime
➢ The State Budget Crisis Yet Again!
➢ It’s blinkin’ too sunny outside
➢ My dog’s really old and will probably die soon
➢ Mouthy special interest groups
➢ Gay marriage being outlawed
➢ Texas re-writing history in their text books
➢ Fundamentalists (of any denomination)
➢ Extremists (of any denomination)
➢ Terrorists (foreign & domestic)
➢ Faulty sprinkler heads, dry tracts of yard, two drunken neighbors, and a black crow in a dead tree…
And that’s just the highlights.
The problem with most of these issues is there isn’t anyone I can really yell at about any of it. My lack of self discipline is my own problem, which leads to internalizing most of it. Anger silently turned inward is depression. Those things that aren’t in my control, that aren’t my fault, well, I just have to be angry about those, ‘cause there ain’t shit I can do about them otherwise.
So in looking at those items on my list that I have direct control over (losing weight, writing), I finally found the core truth: fear. Some people might think it was the fear of failure, but the truth is, it’s the fear of success.
There is a part of me that wants to be thinner, wants to be a successful writer, but there is a larger part of me that is afraid of what those changes will bring. I like my solitude. I like going through the world largely unnoticed. I like living my life without the weight of other’s expectations upon me. My size lets me wander through life unbothered because so many people just think I’m a big, dumb woman with nothing much more to offer (Oh, the conversations I’ve heard just because of that!). Sitting at the computer pretending to write on the novel lets me have the dream without the responsibility. Success brings change. Change brings fear. Fear brings anger. And there we are back at Steven Wright’s simple but poignant truth.
But being angry and afraid isn’t any way to live, so I went back to an old, favorite philosopher for reinforcements:
Frank Herbert, Dune
The Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Maybe if I say that three times and click my heels, I’ll find my way back to myself.
© 2010 Cheri K. Endsley. All Rights Reserved.